How Humans Select & Keep Romantic Partners in Short & Long Term | Dr. David Buss

Andrew Huberman interviews evolutionary psychologist David Buss about the science of human mate selection across short- and long-term contexts. Buss outlines the universal preferences both sexes share (intelligence, kindness, love) and the sex-differentiated ones (women prioritizing status/resources, men prioritizing youth and physical attractiveness), drawing on his landmark 37-culture study. The conversation covers deception in dating, the motives behind male and female infidelity, jealousy, mate value and mate-value discrepancies, stalking, intimate partner violence, and the dark triad. It closes with discussion of polyamory, pornography, self-deception, attachment styles, and how to honestly assess one's own mate value.

• Buss says he abandoned the long-popular dual mating strategy hypothesis and now endorses the mate switching hypothesis to explain why most women have affairs.
  00:51:09
• About 70% of women who have affairs report falling in love with their affair partner, which Buss argues fits mate switching, not good-genes acquisition.
  00:53:19
• Actual rates of genetic cuckoldry in the modern environment are only about 2-3%, much lower than once assumed.
  00:55:27
• Ovulation-shift effects on women's mate preferences are far weaker than early studies claimed and some large studies failed to replicate them entirely.
  00:55:57
• When a man suspects he is not the father of a pregnancy, intimate partner violence becomes more likely to be directed as blows to the woman's abdomen.
  01:24:23
• Buss reports 28-30% of married people experience intimate partner violence, and argues it can function to reduce perceived mate-value discrepancy.
  01:18:29
• Stalking to win back an ex 'works' to reestablish a relationship roughly 15% of the time, partly by scaring off rival suitors.
  01:36:23
• Mate choice copying: the same man is rated far more attractive when photographed beside women, and some men hire 'wing women' to exploit this.
  00:19:54

• Only about 3-5% of mammal species have anything resembling a long-term pair bond; even chimpanzees lack one.
  00:13:33
• Love is not a Western invention; the Kung San of Botswana describe the same infatuation-to-attachment progression as Westerners.
  00:16:11
• In online dating men exaggerate income by about 20% and add about two inches to their height; women shave about 15 pounds off reported weight.
  00:33:34
• Of men who cheat, about 70% cite sexual variety and opportunity as the key motive; relationship happiness doesn't predict male infidelity.
  00:48:28
• On the show 'Cheaters,' men's first question to a caught partner was 'did you fuck him?' while women's was 'do you love her?'
  01:00:40
• Between 30-60% of people hide financial information from a spouse, such as secret bank accounts or credit cards.
  01:02:45
• Clinical psychopathy is estimated at about 1% of women and 4% of men, and dark-triad men commit most sexual violence.
  01:29:39
• Psychologist Albert Ellis cured his own dating anxiety by asking dozens of women out and getting inured to rejection.
  02:01:14
• A study of 2,500 stalking victims found stalkers tend to be much lower in mate value than their victims.
  01:39:32
• Average age gap rises with each marriage: about 3 years at first marriage, 5 at second, and 8 at third, with men older.
  00:25:11

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