Jaackmaate: The Untold Story Of My Battle With Health Anxiety & OCD | E127

Jaackmaate (Jack Dean) traces his path from a turbulent council-estate upbringing with an alcoholic mother and a father who served time for manslaughter, to building a YouTube career off a whiteboard plan and a viral Zoella advent-calendar video. He reflects on losing motivation for his 1.4-million-subscriber main channel once it became about manufactured outrage for ad revenue, and finding renewed purpose in long-form podcasting and a Spotify deal. The conversation digs into how money buys freedom (and guilt), the joy he gets from supporting his family and team, and his recent first taste of stand-up comedy. Most candidly, he describes severe health anxiety and OCD, including convincing himself he has cancer 15-20 times a day, rituals around numbers and sunrise times, and using alcohol to silence the thoughts. He credits his partner Fiona as the rock who keeps him functioning.

• Jack says buying a whiteboard and writing out a monthly plan was the pivotal moment that turned YouTube from a hobby into a career.
  00:03:10
• His father went to prison for manslaughter after a fatal pub fight when he was very young.
  00:07:18
• He recalls a childhood home incident where a bookshelf was thrown down, smashing his beloved Snow White ornaments, marking when he started hating home life.
  00:17:08
• He admits much of his 'angry anti-YouTuber' persona was faked for views and that he hated himself doing it.
  00:21:18
• After paying off his house outright, he felt empty and uploaded almost nothing afterward, describing arrival as anticlimactic.
  00:30:38
• He reveals he convinces himself he has cancer 15-20 times a day and cannot touch or look at part of his body since finding a cyst at 13.
  01:07:37
• He says he is too fearful to get a health check because a diagnosis would mean 'the end' for him mentally.
  01:12:49
• He still drinks alone after nights out specifically to keep the OCD thoughts at bay until sunrise.
  01:14:52

• In 2012 he spent 365 days saying yes to everything that came into his inbox.
  00:03:41
• His first YouTube payout was about 45 pounds, which he spent on Top Man t-shirts instead of giving money to his mum.
  00:07:49
• His Zoella advent calendar reaction video got around six million views and changed the trajectory of his channel.
  00:22:20
• He did anger management classes at school for an incident he insists he did not do.
  00:19:44
• He secretly transferred 5,000 pounds to his hardworking 77-year-old granddad by taking his bank card.
  00:34:48
• Getting Ricky Gervais as one of his first podcast guests was a defining moment that legitimized the show.
  01:00:18
• He took the Spotify exclusive deal purely for the money, saying it would change his future children's lives.
  01:02:24
• As a teen he developed a ritual of kissing a photo of his granddad 13 times each night and reciting a self-made prayer.
  01:09:11
• An OCD ritual requires him to turn his phone off only on 15-minute marks of the clock.
  01:16:57
• His first stand-up set, opening for Max Fosh in November, was one of the best moments of his life.
  01:28:17

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